Forgiveness: A Path to Emotional Freedom

William F. Doverspike, Ph.D.
drwilliamdoverspike.com
770-913-0506

What does it mean to forgive? From an etymological perspective, the concept of forgiveness is derived from the Greek word aphesis, which has been variously interpreted as meaning "to release," "to set free," or "to let go." Yet how do we "let go" when we feel like holding on to a resentment and never forgiving someone who has hurt us?

What is forgiveness? Forgiveness can be defined as the process by which we are released from negative emotions such as resentment and anger. The key to understanding how we are released is contained in understanding how we hold on to negative emotions in the first place. We usually hold on to resentment because of the interest--the payoff. We get something out of it, even though at the same time it is destructive to us. As long as there is a payoff for holding a grudge or resentment, forgiveness is impossible. The investment in resentment ties us to the problem--and binds us to the person--through anger. When we lose interest in the investment, we can learn to let go of the anger. When we are able to let go of our anger, we have taken a step toward forgiveness. In other words, forgiveness involves letting go of anger.

The benefits of practicing forgiveness have been studied from a psychological perspective (Smedes, 1984; Enright et al., 1991; Freedman & Enright, 1996). In Forgive and Forget, Smedes (1984) describes the psychological process of forgiveness:

What forgiveness is not. When we say we have forgiven someone, but we still harbor resentment or maintain an attitude of indifference, we have achieved only "pseudo forgiveness" (Enright, 2001). In contrast, authentic forgiveness involves a complete transformation in attitude toward the offender. It requires a willingness to experience and acknowledge to oneself the hurt, and it involves the development of a more complex view of the offender who inflicted the hurt (Worthington, 2001). Yet forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, denying, suppressing, condoning, excusing, pardoning, or reconciling. Forgetting implies that the memory of a transgression has slipped out of conscious awareness. Similarly, denying is an unconscious defense mechanism that involves an inability to perceive the harmful injuries that one has received. Suppressing is similar to forgetting except that suppression involves a more conscious and intentional effort to push back out of awareness, with an unwillingness to clearly see the injuries that have occurred. Condoning implies justifying the offense or the offender, whereas excusing implies that a transgression was committed because of extenuating circumstances. Pardoning is a legal concept or a warrant granting release from punishment for an offense. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, which involves a positive change in the relationship between two people. Although forgiveness is a prerequisite to reconciliation, forgiveness may occur without reconciliation. In other words, it is possible to forgive without reconciling, but it is impossible to reconcile without forgiving.

Giving forgiveness. Forgiveness is compassion in action. As psychologists Suzanne Freedman and Robert Enright point out, "There is a decidedly paradoxical quality to forgiveness as the forgiver gives up the resentment, to which he or she has a right, and gives the gift of compassion, to which the offender has no right" (1996, p. 483). The process of forgiveness does not change the past; it changes the present and opens the door to the future. Forgiveness involves letting go of unrealistic expectations, which can otherwise serve as premeditated resentments. Forgiveness involves a sense of loving detachment, which is the ability to show compassion without trying to control outcomes. In the same way that letting go requires opening one’s hands, practicing forgiveness requires opening one’s heart. Just as it is only with an open heart that we are able to forgive, it is only with a forgiving heart that we are able to love completely. In what might be described as the universal law of forgiveness, it is in forgiving others that we ourselves are forgiven.

Asking for forgiveness. The process of forgiveness works in both directions. We can not only learn to forgive others, but we can learn to ask to be forgiven by others. In contemporary language, we can ask forgiveness for the things we have said or done that have hurt others (acts of commission), as well as for the things we have not said or done that otherwise could have helped others (acts of omission). Asking for forgiveness involves making an apology ("I am sorry"), an acknowledgement ("I was wrong"), an amendment ("How can I make it right?"), a commitment ("I’ll try not to do it again"), and a request ("Will you please forgive me?"). Admitting when we are wrong and making amends for our wrongs go a long way toward improving any relationship. To the extent that we become more concerned with being forgiven for our own transgressions, we become less concerned with those who have transgressed against us. To the extent that we are more concerned with the blind spots in our own eyes, we are less concerned with the wrongs we see in others.

Suggested action steps. Consider whether there is someone in your life toward whom you experience anger or resentment that causes you harm. Think about the costs of holding on to this resentment, in contrast to the possible benefits of simply letting it go. Rather than focusing on those who have hurt you, consider making a list of all those whom you have harmed. Think about what it would be like to make amends to others without causing them further harm. If focusing on making amends to those in the past seems like an insurmountable task, then start today with making "living amends" to those who are part of your life each day. Going forward, pay attention to expectations that you have of others, and consider whether these expectations ever lead to resentments. Practice loving detachment by showing compassion toward others without trying to control them. You will begin to discover why forgiveness has been described as the ultimate expression of love.

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