William F. Doverspike, Ph.D.
drwilliamdoverspike.com
770-913-0506, ext. 1

Psychologists believe that good communication helps build good relationships. Good communication is sometimes said to be 99% listening and 1% talking. Many modern relationship counselors emphasize good listening skills, which are one of the main themes throughout Dale Carnegie’s (1936) classic book titled How to Win Friends and Influence People. There are several simple strategies that can help people improve their listening skills.

Limit your own talking. You can’t talk and listen at the same time. If you are thinking about what you are going to say next, then you are not listening.

Think like the person to whom you are speaking. His or her problems and needs are important. You’ll understand and retain them better if you keep his or her point of view.

Ask clarification questions. If you don’t understand something, or if you feel you may have missed a point, clear it up now before it embarrasses you later.

Don’t interrupt or change the subject. A pause, even a long pause, doesn’t always mean that the speaker has finished saying everything that he or she has to say.

Concentrate on what you are hearing. Focus your mind on what the speaker is saying. Practice shutting out outside distractions when listening.

Turn off your own worries. Turning off and tuning in aren’t always easy, but they are important. Personal problems or worries not connected with the subject at hand form a kind of internal "static" that can blank out the real message that you are tuning in.

Consider taking notes. In some settings, taking notes is appropriate and will help you remember important points. Be selective. Trying to take notes on everything said can result in being left far behind or in retaining irrelevant information.

Listen for ideas, not just words. You want to get the whole picture, not just isolated bits and pieces. Listen for key themes.

Use interjections to punctuate your listening. An occasional "Yes" or "I see" shows you are still with the speaker. However, wait until the speaker has finished his or her comment, and don’t overdo or use interjections as meaningless comments.

Prepare in advance. Remarks and questions prepared in advance, when possible, free your mind for listening.

React to ideas, not the person. Don’t allow irritation to rise from things said, or from mannerisms. Try not to respond to these distractions. Base your response on principles, not personalities.

Don’t argue mentally. Don’t allow yourself to become annoyed or irritated with anything that is said. Try agreeing with points to see if you can understand the speaker’s perspective better.

Don’t jump to conclusions. Avoid making unwarranted assumptions about what is going to be said. Don’t mentally try to complete the other person’s sentences. Listen and learn.